Young, hung, and full of vitriol...

I can't offer works of staggering genius, but what you will get are my sometimes funny, questioningly intelligent, frighteningly vitriolic, occasionally shockingly sweet, but almost always charmingly grouchy ramblings on music, film, politics, society, pop culture, literature, queer life, travel, Kansas City, and the mundane, yet surreal aspects of everyday.

I'm a queer punk country boy in his late 30s, who has settled back in the midwest after a decade or so of living around the country. My boyfriend, MJ and I moved to Kansas City a couple of years ago after an insanely surreal life in rural, southeast Kansas. This is my attempt at getting back into writing after a longer than anticipated hiatus. I'm still a bit rusty, so be gentle with me...A bottle of wine, some Barry White, and a can of Crisco usually does the job.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Becoming something that you don't want to be...

I'm trying to deal...and I'm not doing a very good job of it...something I, in all honesty, was silly enough to never imagine happening did. I am, apparently, now single...This morning Michael told me that he was leaving me. I spent the whole day, I'm sad to admit, bawling my eyes out in complete agony. We talked tonight when he got home and he says that he loves me and that it isn't our relationship, but that he is miserable and not himself and he needs some time alone to get back to being who he is. He swears that we'll be back together at some point. I'm not so sure. I have no doubt that he loves me, but I think that once he gets some time away, with no one to answer to, he'll want to stay that way. We sat there tonight, talking, me crying my guts out...he had such a look of pain in his eyes that I can't help but get that he's heartbroken about this. I just don't see how our obvious love for each other, the piles of shit we've gone through to be together, and our history don't equal figuring out a way to make this work. Maybe it's my parents' marriage of 39 years and seeing all the shit they have dealt with and gone through, that makes me ridiculous enough to think that love and the desire to be together is enough...All I know is that, at the risk of sounding like some fucking Lifetime movie, I now know what it feels like for a heart to break. I've been in long term relationships before, including one that lasted 8 years. The break ups were tough and sad, but there was this odd sense of relief or knowing that the break up made sense in those. There is no sense to me in this one. I don't care how pathetic it may make me sound, this break up makes NO sense to me and I am a fucking stupid mess over it. All I want is to put my big arms around him, my hand on his hairy belly, my lips on the back of his neck and for him to say "I can't do're my lil bubba...let's figure out a way to work through everything...I love you too much to let this go..."

Unfortunately...that's not going to happen anytime soon...


  1. Patrick and I did something similar not sure if you remember. We separated for a few years but then go back together. Now 6 years later we are still going strong. It just took some time away from each other to know what we truly wanted. Maybe this is what's going on with you two. I'm here if you need anything. Love ya man -- N

  2. Chad, I am shocked, and so sorry to hear this. I hope things work out in your case as they did for NsOmNiAc.