Happy birthday...

It's my 37th birthday. I spent the day with my family, which was wonderful. I'm lucky to have them in my life. I spent the weekend with Kendra and I'm not sure what I would have done without her here. She headed home about 30 minutes ago. Her David needs her and I can't be selfish. I'm sitting here in the silence. I don't care how pathetic or emo this makes me, but I just want to know why I can't stop hurting. I don't know that I have ever felt this alone and sad. I SO don't want to be "that guy", but my heart is absolutely fucking broken. I try so hard to soldier on. I job hunt, I am getting things going for school, and I go about my days, I try so hard not to show it to you...but it is hard. I hate that I'm not as strong as you...I hate that I'm not as controlled as you...I hate that I feel so intense and loud...Time is making things harder. I have never loved like this before and that it is out of my life is excruciating. I know the reasons. I know people have to be healed and whole before our paths converge again...I can rationalize all of this. I get it...What I can't get is how much this fucking hurts. As fucking Lifetime movie cliche as this hole in my life is. This sick to my stomach, ache that I feel for most of the hours that I'm not lucky enough to be asleep.I don't want to be this way. I am going on with life. I am functioning. I'm not wallowing...but I'm also not healed. I'm not ready for this to be life. For six fucking years I have seen a path of up and down and sideways and laughing and hurt and lust and tenderness...I saw titanium on my finger and a Cure song in my head. Life may go on. Things may change. I'm not sure where that path is headed now. Now, I'm not sure what I see...I just know what I feel...