THE VEGGIE TALES CAUSE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE:

This a blog I wrote on Livejournal 5 years ago tomorrow. Thought it might deserve a fresh viewing...

 
I cannot wait for this week to end...it's the last week before winter break, so, of course, it's an eternity...

Today was the last day of SafeBase (the afterschool program) until mid January. In one of the classes that I help with, the teacher decided we should just have a movie/popcorn party. Hunky Dory, except for one thing...she chose the movie... Now, she's a very sweet lady (she even brought me chocolate for Xmess), BUT she's also a Christian. Hence, the movie...A VEGGIETALES CHRISTMAS...are you familiar with these creepy little fuckers?? They are animated CHRISTIAN vegetable kid's movies. Ignoring the religious thing for a moment, they are hideously ugly...like not even remotely cutesy kiddie snugglebums...they are fucking bugeyed, limbless vegetables with faces...it's like watching quad amputees hop around a winter wonderland. The carrots look like vienna sausages and I won't even start on the cucumbers...there was one BLATANTLY racist vegetable on there...He was hispanic, and of course, worked for the bad guy. I couldn't even guess what the fuck kind of veggie he was supposed to be, but with his totally stereotypical accent (I WEEEL HEP YOU MEESTA), I am surprised that he wasn't a head of lettuce (I guess they figured he wouldn't be able to pick himself).

The whole theme of this animated abortion was that the veggie kids, or what the fuck ever they are called, had forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, due to the bad toy factory owner's advertisements on television encouraging materialism. A renegade toy wakes up in the factory and figures that there HAS to be more to Christmas than whining for more toys, so he ventures out to discover the meaning of it all. This goodie two shoes toy was so fucking irritating that I kept praying for the bratty kid from TOY STORY to come along and shove a M80 up his ass... Of course he discovers it from some wise old brocoli or something and he, with his new salad fixing friends, feel the need to spread the word (of course, we know how Christians LOVE to gossip). Off they are to spread the story of baby Jesus...who unfortunately never surfaced, as I was dying to see what he would be portrayed as...I was tossing back and forth between a brussell sprout and an eggplant with a breadstick crucifix and an onion halo...

Anyway, it was all warm and sweet and holy and all that shit, I suppose. I just spent the whole half an hour scanning the room for something to impale myself on. Elementary school chair legs NEVER looked so promising...Oh yeah, and kid feet stink to high heaven...like old cheese and moldy ass...just because we are watching a movie doesn't make it your living room children...


So, there is your warm hearted holiday story...now fuck off and get me a beer...