I'm only human...

So, from my random, sporadic postings on here and elsewhere, it isn't much of a secret that it's been a chaotic few months for me. Between the break up with Michael and him moving out, to job hunting, getting myself back into school, and some big financial issues, it's been a bitch and a half. While I initially had a pretty rough go of things right after Michael left, I've been shocked and kind of proud at how I've adapted and completely changed not only how I cope with things, but also my whole attitude and outlook. By no means am I claiming to be perfect or that I don't still have my issues, but I have had this odd sense of calm come over me. This realization that things are the way that they are and no amount of emotional breakdown is going to change that. Wallowing doesn't solve a damned thing and being proactive instead of reactive is such a nicer way to go about it. Where I'd once find myself exploding about something, I know give it some time to sink in and for me to mull it over. Often, I find that it wasn't nearly the big deal that I initially thought it was or, I was way off base to begin with. Cutting off my nose to spite my face never worked in the past. It only took me until the age of 37 to realize that. Finding that balance between being rational and emotional is very freeing. Through all of this, I have found a lot more confidence, security, and peace with myself. Not to be all Dr. Phil about it, but there is something to be said about self acceptance. It's fucking nice...

The one issue that I have been having a bit of trouble with lately, however, is loneliness. While I, by no means, think I'm incomplete without a man in my life. God knows, I have spent the better very large portions of my life alone, even when I have been in some of my previous relationships. It isn't something that brings me down or holds me back, but it does tug at me. Especially at night. I have offers from friends to do things, but my current financial situation doesn't rationally leave me room for going out and spending money. I crave companionship, but I also really miss intimacy. Sex is great and I'm sure I could log onto Craigslist or Bear411, or sign up on one of those hook up sites like Adam4Adam or Manhunt, right now and get laid in no time. That's not what I'm talking about. While I do miss the intensity of sex with someone that knows your body and what you like, what I'm having more trouble with is the little stuff. The kissing, touches, hand holding, cuddling, holding...the mushy intimate shit. Again, I'm sure that I could open up a website and find that stuff as well. Hell, I have offers for cuddling multiple times a night. I just have a massive problem doing that with someone that I don't have some kind of connection with. It's not a prudish, romantic comedy, bullshit Hallmark thing. It's just the design of Chad. I've had some pretty piggish sexual encounters with men whose names I didn't even care about, but I just can't bring myself to curl up in bed with a guy that I don't have something with. This is sadly, kind of the issue that keeps me up at night. While my head is filled with plenty of thoughts about resumes, financial aid papers, and bills, it's the feel of a furry belly against your back, breath on your neck, and a hand rubbing the hair on your chest that I'm a bit more consumed with. It's absolutely not holding me back, putting my life on hold, nor keeping me up teary eyed all night, but I'm man enough to admit that there is a small point every night where I feel like something is missing.